he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
