my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
