Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
