I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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