At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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