Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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