Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
