You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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