So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
