just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
