dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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