I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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