my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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