I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
