Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
sarcasm needs its own font
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
