We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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