her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I had to cum in my sink.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
