So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
