new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he fucked my hip out of place.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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