Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
