I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
