My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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