If that was your dad, he is hot
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
