The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
