Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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