$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
