I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
