Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
