the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
