You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
