I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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