It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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