Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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