why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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