Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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