ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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