He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize