I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
