i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
