i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize