It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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