guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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