Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
