we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
