question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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