Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
