dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
