She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize