So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
