Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
