I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
