if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
