Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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