Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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