no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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