sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Come on in and take your pants off
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