I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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