Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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