Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
