haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
