Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
