It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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