I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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