I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
