she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
