yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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