can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
