I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
